Many of us are concerned about getting traumatized by this crisis. People who have already experienced PTSD in their lives are more susceptible to additional trauma, while many
of us have no prior experience with it and are wondering if something like this could cause long term effects. These are important questions!
So, let’s learn about what trauma is and more importantly, how we can prevent it.
In the simplest of explanations, trauma occurs when our resources are completely overwhelmed by our stressors, and we are powerless to do anything about it. This leaves us without control, and we are hurt as a consequence. Think of it as a continuum between calm on one side, stress in the middle, and then trauma on the far end. Stress can be good and bad for us. Eu-stress activates us, it gets us going, it motivates us. But too much stress starts to overwhelm us. If the stress continues, we can feel traumatized. Some people experience this and develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, while others are able to bounce back.
An environmental stressor like COVOID-19 need not traumatize us, as long as we keep up our resources and don’t get into a situation where we feel completely powerless. An antidote to trauma and stress is finding ways to stay in control, and to find meaning in what we are facing.
If you are religious, you might find yourself asking, “God, what would you have me learn during this trial?”. Others challenge themselves to focus on what they can walk away with as a result of the trial, “There is much that I can’t control, but I can control what I eat, how I exercise, my immune system, whether or not I leave my property.” Generally speaking we have control over ourselves, our outlook, our behaviors, our bodies. Focus on these things.
The other determinant in what becomes traumatic, is the kind of support you have. So that if you have felt completely overtaken by the trial or stressor, you are able to find someone to talk to about what you have been through. Or if you do get very ill, and are overcome by feeling weak and powerless, you are able to find emotional and social support after the fact.
Think of trauma like being forced to eat a heavy meal of rice and beans and meat. These are foods that generally don’t digest well together. They sit in your stomach and feel heavy, and they cause a bad case of indigestion. You have to adjust yourself, you lie down on the couch for hours, you eat Tums, and you moan and groan during your belly aches. The question is whether or not your stomach acids will be able to break down this very heavy meal or not. So you give yourself space and time, and give your body every resource to aid in the digesting of this meal. If something has overwhelmed your resources, do everything you can to digest it emotionally: Talk about it, write about it, process it slowly until you can look back at it and learn some lessons from having gone through it.
Finding meaning in spite of what has happened is the key to bypassing trauma. This is when the experience no longer owns you, but you own it because you have learned and grown because of it!
I’m thinking about you all as we are going through this environmental crisis that is hitting close to home for all of us.
Some families and couples that I’ve checked in on are rallying together against this common enemy and are feeling stronger in their relational dynamics than usual. This is wonderful news! Other families/couples are struggling more than usual because this crisis is surfacing any crack in their relational foundation and it’s hard for them to get through the day without their negative cycle getting triggered. My heart especially goes out to these families who are feeling that heaviness, and I’ve wanted to put together a series of blogs that gives some coping tools to get through this crisis together as a family.
Blogs 1-3 start with three very different but common strategies many of us utilize for coping: Secure, Anxious and Withdrawn. Obviously we can fluctuate between them at different points, but we often land on one or two that are most comfortable for us in times of uncertainty.
In blog 4 we dive into recognizing our own personal and unique family strategies – this will help give an idea of how your family would like to receive love based on their coping strategy, and what comforts them best during this time of stress (and how you best receive it!)
For our final blogs we get to talking about the virus specifically. I’ll go through questions we should be asking as a family and ways to prepare, ways to utilize play therapy techniques with your child to check in on how they are doing, and finally talking about how the elements of “challenge” and “trauma” play into this difficult time.
My hope in this blog series is yes, to help everyone learn coping techniques, but to also bring light and recognition, perhaps a few “aha!” moments, and awareness of how to better get through this individually and together!
A Divorce Therapist turned us away? Why? When we clearly need help!
It’s confusing and frustrating when you can see that your child needs emotional support and yet you can’t find a divorce therapist to work with you. You’re in the throws of a divorce, and life is already challenging enough, without someone turning you away. So why don’t therapists agree to see you right away, and why are they so specific in wanting to set things up in a specific way?
1. Consent to treatment
A Marriage and Family Therapist in California cannot legally treat your child without your parental consent. When you are married, the consent of one parent works, though in my opinion no therapist should be working with a child before meeting both parents. It’s a matter of respect, and of understanding who your child is in the context of your family. When you are separating or divorcing, the matter of consent can change. Most often parents who are divorcing, will share legal custody, but not always. A therapist can’t take your word for this, but will need to see court documents to understand who has the legal right for your child to enter treatment.
2. Creating a safe and healing environment for your child, means not alienating either of the parents
Even when you have legal consent, it’s good practice for the therapist to at least try to obtain consent from both parents. If a therapist meets with your child, and your ex finds out that it was done behind their back without their permission, they will likely be upset, and will not view the therapist is trustworthy.
Consider for a moment how you would feel, if a therapist met with your child, and you not only had NO idea that this meeting was taking place, but the therapist didn’t once contact you to introduce themselves, and to invite you to be a part of the process. It’s alienating!
A therapist meeting with the child without letting both parents know, is alienating that parent. This is likely to undermine the child’s therapy in various ways. Firstly, the therapist has taken sides, and will not be considered credible if they ever go to court on your behalf. Secondly, without hearing from both parents, it’s harder for the therapist to understand the environment your child is a part of, and understanding who your child is, is a big part of therapy. Thirdly, if the parents aren’t in agreement about parenting decisions, then presumably your child is already caught in the middle, and feeling this stress.
The whole point initiating therapy is to give your child a neutral, and a safe space, where they can process their pain.
Now imagine this child is introduced to a neutral, safe space of a comforting play therapy office and starts a relationship with a therapist, with whom they bond, and then they are pulled out of treatment or are conflicted about being there. This is likely to happen when the excluded parent gives the child negative messages about therapy. The child feels guilty about being in treatment, they know their parent doesn’t want them there, and they feel confused about trusting the therapist. Now there is nothing that the therapist can do. The therapist rushed into treating the child, without first trying to get both parents on board, and is now stuck.
3. Ways to Move Foward
Understand that the therapist is doing what is in the child’s best interest, by trying to get the buy in from both parents. Give the therapist a little time to reach out to your ex, and to try to get their permission. If this doesn’t happen, know that in your court proceedings, you can ask the court to rule on this. In the meantime, there is nothing stopping you from seeking treatment, from getting parenting support. The therapist can work with your child indirectly, by giving you the resources to make a difference in their life. Remember that you have the stronger relationship with your child, and that you can be the one to help them with their adjustment.
It’s excruciating to need help, and to feel turned away. Try to imagine how you would feel if someone took your child to a doctor for you, and then the doctor refused to talk with you, and to let you know what was going on. How would you react in this situation? Your ex is likely to do the same, and this simply makes an already difficult situation more contentious, and the person who will feel it the most, is your child. Understand that the therapist needs to remain neutral, and to be available for your child. By setting up a structure with boundaries, might mean you have to wait a little for treatment, but it’s ultimately in the best interest of the family well-being. At the end of the day, your child needs both parents in their life (unless a parent is abusive and dangerous). If your divorce is contentious, the therapist might have a chance to bring you into a co-parenting relationship during this process of tapping into the concern and love you both feel for your child’s well-being.
THERAPY for CHILDREN of DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE- Part 1
I’ve decided to take a season and dedicate my next blogs to focus on divorce and changing families. There is such a need in San Diego County to support families who are changing in their structure. Over the last three years I am getting more and more calls from families in San Diego who need guidance. Most often I get the call once the divorce is in process. Parents are concerned about their children’s reactions: anger outbursts, problems at school, separation anxiety and acting out at home. When children are under stress, it shows up in their behavior, and parents get worried. Divorce brings loss and change on many levels, and it takes time for everyone in the family, to adjust to this.
I am teaching a class at UCSD in the Play Therapy Certificate Program on families who are changing due to divorce and remarriage. As I have prepared for this class, I have been reading many of the texts, books and research articles on this topic. With my experience in my own personal life, and in my professional practice, it is a privilege to help to equip parents to go through this difficult journey, being as prepared as possible. If you are professional working with children, come and take this class to get up to date on how to work with families that are impacted by divorce and by remarriage.
The image that comes to mind for me, when I think about divorce, is that of a lego construction that is being broken to the ground. There are lots of little pieces left lying on the ground. The tragedy is that the family that once was, is no more.
The opportunity, is that with time, something new will be built, and a family has lots of control over what the new construction will look like.
In today’s world, there are lots of different kinds of family structures. It’s difficult to say goodbye to what once was, but it is important to know that there will be a new reality, and that there are important building blocks that make the difference in what will be.
There are many resources available in San Diego for families adjusting to divorce. Much research has been done around the world to support parents, and so we know how to guide you through these changes. It would be ideal to equip yourself with this information before you share the news of divorce with your children, so that you know what matters in breaking the news, know how to support them, and know what factors will make a difference in their recovery.
Read my next couple blogs for some tips and facts, or come and see me so that I can guide you through this time.
Facing Challenges Together: Marriage Counseling San Diego
I’ve done marriage counseling San Diego for twelve years, and married for twenty, and I still get really upset in my marriage. And would you believe I’m still learning things about Etienne.
I’m recently aware of how much of a perceptive and social person he is. He can tell instantly if I am accessible, or if I’m stressed and preoccupied in my head. I’ve lived a lot of life in my head, on my own, and so I’m used to going to this place of internal focus. So when I focus in this way, he feels like he has no connection with me. We are finding a way to communicate around this spot. For him to say that he’s lost me, and for me to notice when I turn inward and away. To know how my internal focus affects people around me.
Our biggest challenge is the lack of time we have together. We are both building our businesses and are very involved with family life. We try to give our children quality time, and we are also looking after our parents. And so this means that the time we have alone together is very limited. When we do the ARE – Are you Accessible, Emotionally Engaged and Responsive Questionnaire, we both rate the other as hardly accessible. We love to be there for each other, and can connect on a deep and meaningful level quickly, but we really have to reach out and let the other know that they are needed. So in our relationship, we need to speak up, and to reach out to one another intentionally, when it counts.
Can you confide in your partner about almost anything and everything?
These are the questions that will determine how your relationship is going!
One of the things that can benefit a relationship most is awareness. Awareness of how you come across, of how your partner is feeling, and ways to better tune in to that process. That is just one of the reasons I have started teaching Hold Me Tight Workshops. I have seen it benefit so many couples, just by setting aside intentional space to value each other and work towards an end goal of learning more about yourself and ways to be better attuned to your partner.
