What will the long-term impact of divorce be on my child?
When you are considering getting a divorce, you want to know what the impact of this decision will be on your children. As a parent, this will be one of the most challenging decisions to make. My guess is that you are existing in an unhealthy marriage, and you want out; and yet are wanting to protect your children from the negative effects of divorce. It’s a difficult decision for a parent to make, especially at time when you are in a place of pain. Here are the important things to consider as you decide what to do, about how badly your child will be impacted by your divorce.
There are researchers and authors who have presented arguments for each side: the perspective that children are damaged by divorce, and the other perspective that children are resilient and won’t have long term difficulties after divorce. Having read a lot of their work, I have come to value the words of Emery who said: Well the truth lies in the middle.
Here are three things to consider that impact how your children will adjust to your divorce:
1. Consider the beginning:
For most children, the first two years will be difficult. There is much to grieve and there are transitions to move through. Long-term, research shows that with good support, 80% of children of divorce have no bigger psychological problems than other children. You can help your children to get through this difficult initial grieving phase.
2. Risk and protective factors:
There are things you can do that will make the adjustment more stressful, and other things that will protect your child from distress. The protective factors include your child having strong relationships with others and particularly with positive adult models. Providing a stable home environment with structure is another protective factor, along with being able to give your child a realistic explanation for the reason for the divorce. You can teach your child good coping skills, but you need to be doing ok emotionally, in order to do so. The risk factors in divorce include children blaming themselves for the divorce, ongoing high-conflict between parents, and when children find themselves in the middle of fighting parents. Other risk factors include parents not being emotionally available to children, and when there is instability in the environment.
3. Resources:
Sometimes it’s hard to sift through all the information out there in a time when you are in crisis. There are so many resources available, varying from support groups for adults and children, to informational sessions hosted in the community, to books for adults, parents and kids. Visit some of these support groups, so that you can hear how other parents are coping.
Making the decision to get divorced is very difficult, but whether or not your child will be able to adjust, is not the question. We know that children are resilient with the right kind of support. So, if you are going to go ahead with this, consider getting support so that you can be a resource to your child, to help them adjust in healthy ways.
There is no easy answer, instead one can only trust that the process of grieving and of guidance seeking, will bring clarity. Consider waiting until you are sure, to share the news with your child, otherwise they will be suspended in transition alongside you, for a long time, without answers.
If you are not aware of the resources in San Diego, or feel you need extra support in making this decision, or explaining it to your children, give me a call and I’d be happy to help.
THERAPY for CHILDREN of DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE- Part 1
I’ve decided to take a season and dedicate my next blogs to focus on divorce and changing families. There is such a need in San Diego County to support families who are changing in their structure. Over the last three years I am getting more and more calls from families in San Diego who need guidance. Most often I get the call once the divorce is in process. Parents are concerned about their children’s reactions: anger outbursts, problems at school, separation anxiety and acting out at home. When children are under stress, it shows up in their behavior, and parents get worried. Divorce brings loss and change on many levels, and it takes time for everyone in the family, to adjust to this.
I am teaching a class at UCSD in the Play Therapy Certificate Program on families who are changing due to divorce and remarriage. As I have prepared for this class, I have been reading many of the texts, books and research articles on this topic. With my experience in my own personal life, and in my professional practice, it is a privilege to help to equip parents to go through this difficult journey, being as prepared as possible. If you are professional working with children, come and take this class to get up to date on how to work with families that are impacted by divorce and by remarriage.
The image that comes to mind for me, when I think about divorce, is that of a lego construction that is being broken to the ground. There are lots of little pieces left lying on the ground. The tragedy is that the family that once was, is no more.
The opportunity, is that with time, something new will be built, and a family has lots of control over what the new construction will look like.
In today’s world, there are lots of different kinds of family structures. It’s difficult to say goodbye to what once was, but it is important to know that there will be a new reality, and that there are important building blocks that make the difference in what will be.
There are many resources available in San Diego for families adjusting to divorce. Much research has been done around the world to support parents, and so we know how to guide you through these changes. It would be ideal to equip yourself with this information before you share the news of divorce with your children, so that you know what matters in breaking the news, know how to support them, and know what factors will make a difference in their recovery.
Read my next couple blogs for some tips and facts, or come and see me so that I can guide you through this time.
We all get into these patterns of disconnection. Underneath our defensive strategies, we are just feeling hurt and afraid as humans. This is universal in all human nature. These softer and deeper feelings can take two forms, either fearing abandonment, or fearing rejection.
Abandonment might sound like: I’m alone, uncared for, unseen, I don’t get responded to. Rejection might sound like: I’m criticized, I’m inadequate, I’m failing, I’m unwanted.
When we are hurt and fearful at such a deep level, it’s very difficult to reach out and admit this. To actually share this with one another, takes tremendous courage. Of course, when we are feeling abandoned or rejected, we don’t want to take a risk and then be dropped even more.
It feels counterintuitive to give this advice, but it’s one of those universal truths. If you take the risk and share these deeper, submerged feelings, most often, you will get a supportive response. The Latin word for vulnerability means to wound. So to open yourself up in this way, instead of putting on your armor, means you open yourself up to getting hurt. Your partner will see this, and will see the tremendous gift you are giving them in digging up these difficult-to-reveal feelings, and offering them open hands, open heart, white flag, to them in the process.
Take a chance this week, and when you feel yourself getting hurt or afraid, let your partner know that you are having a hard time. Tell your partner that you have got a deeper response going on inside of you, that might be hard to share, but that you are deeply impacted by what is happening between the two of you, when you feel so disconnected from each other.
Couples Image by The Kitcheners: http://thekitcheners.co.uk/2015/05/glencoe-wedding-photography.html
Choosing War or Peace: How Your Relationship May Benefit From Couples Counseling
We all get stuck in negative communication patterns. If we perceive someone as attacking us, being negative or not being there for us, we get hurt and afraid.
In this moment of vulnerability, we have two choices:
We can reach out and check in, “Hey did you mean to hurt me, or did I just hear that wrong?”
OR we can assume the worst.
If we assume the worst, that our partner did just attack, see us poorly or ignore us,
then we will lift up our shields and put our defensive armor on. These are defensive
strategies and the moment we choose to engage these strategies instead of risking
and reaching, we choose war over peace.
If naturally assuming the worst or putting up those walls is a habit for you (as it is for most of us!) here are a few game changing ideas to help change the situations: 1. Catch your negative cycle and label it as it occurs
As you notice yourself putting up your armor, defending yourself, notice that
your partner is probably doing the same thing. See who can call it out first:
“Oh boy, here we go again” or “Uh-Oh, we’re in the war zone”.
2. Try to check in one time this week
Ask your partner – I saw you roll your eyes, was that meant for me? I heard anger in your voice, are you upset with me? I see you walking away, are you trying to get away from me? Usually the case is that your partner has no idea what cues they are giving off. This gets the conversation going in a way that will directly address any issues you two may be having, and will better aid in a solution and easier communication in the future.
3. Need more help? Sign up for Couples Counseling at a Hold Me Tight Workshop
EFT Workshops are two-day events that give you and your partner more amazing tools to stop negative relational patterns and instead move forward to where you both want to be. Join other couples in the journey to a firm foundation and reconciliation. Not sure what Emotionally Focused Therapy is or want to know more about Hold Me Tight workshops? Check out our other article about the foundations of EFT and HMT
