by Kathryn de Bruin | Oct 28, 2019 | Anxiety, Emotions, Family Therapy
As you parent, you come to notice a pattern in your child’s anxious stages (it may even present as clinginess) through their development. It’s helpful to understand why they are going through this. As a resource, I’ve created this guide of natural behaviors to provide a sense of comfort and what to expect through these various phases.
9 months – 12 months
Your infant’s memory is developing and you might start to see your child have “stranger anxiety”. This happens in infants across all cultures. Infants are frightened, withdraw or show distress when they are with unfamiliar people. They now have the ability to compare the faces they see with familiar faces that are in memory, which means they know that they don’t know someone. This can lead to separation anxiety, as they can remember previous separations, and recognize signs of leaving. They also remember feelings of distress. And so they protest the separation, trying to get to parent to stay.
Infants will gradually learn to regulate this. They will also learn that their parent comes back too. As soon as object permanence develops, children can remember their parents internally and feel comfort when they miss them.
18 – 24 months
Separation and fear for the toddler, is necessary for survival, as they practice going off and coming back.
They learn that separations are survivable, reunions can be trusted, and this forms the foundation for confidence in the world.
Toddlers may be more anxious about mom’s attachment, and can be very reactive at this age, because they are developing and realizing that “My parent and I don’t think the same thoughts” and “I can’t control my parent, she has separate thoughts”. Separation and individuation is both exhilarating and frightening. The toddler experiences ambivalence, I want to push mom away, but also want to cling to her. I want to be autonomous and also maintain attachment.
Hopefully this tool helps you as you navigate those first few years and the anxiety including separation anxiety that often come with it. Knowing what your child is probably experiencing will help you know the best ways to address their concerns and needs for their age.
by Kathryn de Bruin | Jul 2, 2019 | Anxiety, Family Therapy
As parents, we have a big responsibility to help our children when they’re struggling with child anxiety.
So how do you then as a parent know what you should be doing versus what is hindering your children? Maybe it will help to first take a look at some statistics showing the prevalence of child anxiety.
DID YOU KNOW?
*16 million Americans suffer from Anxiety
*Children with anxiety who attend family therapy have an 80% success rate, as opposed to
children who do individual therapy without the family involvement – only 60%
*1 in 5 children have clinical levels of anxiety
*1/3 of children with ADHD have an anxiety disorder
*Anxiety is the leading mental disorder found in children
*Anxiety tends to run in families. Families interactions increase anxiety
Those are some DIFFICULT statistics to stomach. So what can we takeaway from all these?
Anxiety is a common childhood disorder and it can be managed
This is actually good news, because it lets you know just how common anxiety is, and also how researched it is. There is so much that can be done to manage anxiety. There are LOTS of tools and techniques available to us and especially for children, and ways we can be proactive parents in helping our children combat anxiety.
What kind of parenting PERPETUATES anxiety:
1. Parenting that offers less space and freedom to children
2. Parenting that gives children a lack of autonomy
3. Intrusive parenting where parents do for children what they could do for themselves
4. Parents who anxiously appraise situations and often find themselves saying: “No, don’t
do that, Don’t do that”. Children often adopt the way that parents see the world
5. Parents who often question children’s choices
vs
Parenting that creates RESILIENCY in children:
1. Rewarding your children for being proactive rather than reactive
2. Praising children for independent behavior
3. Allowing children to struggle rather than jumping in to help or doing things for them
Sometimes it’s hard to naturally do these things as parents. It’s hard to watch your children struggle, and obviously there is a line where you need to step in. But see if you can notice ways in your language and behavior where you can help your children have space. Space to learn and grow confident in their decisions, knowing they’ll always have your support.
by Kathryn de Bruin | Feb 2, 2018 | Family Therapy, Play Therapy
There are tons of helpful “Stages of Play” graphics online. Hopefully these are helpful for parents to navigate and translate your child’s play in the various stages!
These stages are integral for a child’s development in all areas, especially social skills. However, every child develops at their own pace. I invite you to contact me if you have questions about your child’s behaviors at any stage- I’m happy to help!
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Unoccupied Play (Birth-3 mos): A baby in this stage makes alot of body movements, discovering how to move their body and arms and legs.
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Solitary Play (Birth-2 yrs):A child seems totally content playing by themselves without the involvement of others.
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Spectator/ Onlooker Play (2 yrs): A child begins to watch others play, but still is content playing alone.
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Parallel Play (2+ yrs): A child starts to play next to, or alongside others, but does not necessarily join in.
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Associative Play (3-4 yrs): A child starts to interract with others while playing, however, they may all still be doing different things. This article gives an example of all the kids playing together on a jungle gym- but they may be doing different activities within that jungle gym.
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Social / Cooperative Play (4+): When a child starts to not only pay attention and alongside other children in an activity, they are actively aware and playing with the other children involved.
