by Kathryn de Bruin | Aug 21, 2017 | Couples in Therapy, Emotions, Family Therapy
Choosing War or Peace: How Your Relationship May Benefit From Couples Counseling
We all get stuck in negative communication patterns. If we perceive someone as attacking us, being negative or not being there for us, we get hurt and afraid.
In this moment of vulnerability, we have two choices:
We can reach out and check in, “Hey did you mean to hurt me, or did I just hear that wrong?”
OR we can assume the worst.
If we assume the worst, that our partner did just attack, see us poorly or ignore us,
then we will lift up our shields and put our defensive armor on. These are defensive
strategies and the moment we choose to engage these strategies instead of risking
and reaching, we choose war over peace.
If naturally assuming the worst or putting up those walls is a habit for you (as it is for most of us!) here are a few game changing ideas to help change the situations:
1. Catch your negative cycle and label it as it occurs
As you notice yourself putting up your armor, defending yourself, notice that
your partner is probably doing the same thing. See who can call it out first:
“Oh boy, here we go again” or “Uh-Oh, we’re in the war zone”.
2. Try to check in one time this week
Ask your partner – I saw you roll your eyes, was that meant for me? I heard anger in your voice, are you upset with me? I see you walking away, are you trying to get away from me? Usually the case is that your partner has no idea what cues they are giving off. This gets the conversation going in a way that will directly address any issues you two may be having, and will better aid in a solution and easier communication in the future.
3. Need more help? Sign up for Couples Counseling at a Hold Me Tight Workshop
EFT Workshops are two-day events that give you and your partner more amazing tools to stop negative relational patterns and instead move forward to where you both want to be. Join other couples in the journey to a firm foundation and reconciliation. Not sure what Emotionally Focused Therapy is or want to know more about Hold Me Tight workshops? Check out our other article about the foundations of EFT and HMT
Couple image from: http://www.cbnsp.com.br/artigos/a-dificil-arte-de-perdoar/
by Kathryn de Bruin | Aug 14, 2017 | Couples in Therapy, Family Therapy
The Hold Me Tight Program: Conversations for Connection.
This ARE Couples Therapy Questionnaire allows you to reflect on where you are in your relationship right now. What are your areas of strength as well as any areas for potential growth.
The biggest question you want to consider as you look at these results is:
Can I share this with my partner?
Would this be difficult to talk about?
People connect with each other in different ways, but it’s universally agreed, that we
all need emotional connection. Couples also need a bond of trust with each other,that sense that they can give one another the benefit of the doubt. It means that you
know that your partner will be there for you if you need them. It’s knowing that your person will give you support, and that you will feel comforted by them. The
security that you get from knowing that you have someone in your corner impacts
your physical health, and your mental health.
When you want this connection with your loved one, but you can’t get it, it affects
you deeply. Some people panic, some people feel isolated and others get upset. It’s
this threat, this emotional disconnection that underlies the fights we have and
the distance we feel.
As you consider this connection and disconnection, please complete these exercises:
* Consider what attracted you to your partner.
* List five strengths in your relationship
* Complete the A.R.E Questionnaire below, and go over it with your partner
If you want to improve your relationship, and if it’s at all tricky to have these types of conversations, then this retreat is the right step for you. All you need to do is to sign you and your partner up, and we will take care of the rest. We will help you to feel at home, and will lead you step for step through all the conversations that couples need to be having.
Click on this link to sign up now
From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you? Answer the questions below using a scale 0-10, where 0 = not at all true, and 10 = completely true. Write number in the right column – add up total for each section.
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ACCESSIBILITY – from your viewpoint, how accessible is your partner to you?
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1. I can get my partner’s attention easily
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2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally
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3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her
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4. I don’t feel shut out in this relationship (the less shut out you feel – the higher your score)
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5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen
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Total for accessibility
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RESPONSIVENESS – from your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
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1. If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me
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2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close
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3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure
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4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together
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5. If I need assurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it
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Total for responsiveness
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ENGAGEMENT – are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
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1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner
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2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything
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3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other
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4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears
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5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner
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Total for engagement
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Adapted from Hold Me Tight, by Susan Johnson
