by Kathryn de Bruin | Aug 28, 2017 | Couples in Therapy, Emotions, Family Therapy, Therapy
Facing Challenges Together: Marriage Counseling San Diego
I’ve done marriage counseling San Diego for twelve years, and married for twenty, and I still get really upset in my marriage. And would you believe I’m still learning things about Etienne.
I’m recently aware of how much of a perceptive and social person he is. He can tell instantly if I am accessible, or if I’m stressed and preoccupied in my head. I’ve lived a lot of life in my head, on my own, and so I’m used to going to this place of internal focus. So when I focus in this way, he feels like he has no connection with me. We are finding a way to communicate around this spot. For him to say that he’s lost me, and for me to notice when I turn inward and away. To know how my internal focus affects people around me.
Our biggest challenge is the lack of time we have together. We are both building our businesses and are very involved with family life. We try to give our children quality time, and we are also looking after our parents. And so this means that the time we have alone together is very limited. When we do the ARE – Are you Accessible, Emotionally Engaged and Responsive Questionnaire, we both rate the other as hardly accessible. We love to be there for each other, and can connect on a deep and meaningful level quickly, but we really have to reach out and let the other know that they are needed. So in our relationship, we need to speak up, and to reach out to one another intentionally, when it counts.
>TAKE THE A.R.E. QUESTIONNAIRE HERE
Questions to ask:
Can you get your partner’s attention?
Does your partner show you that you come first?
Can you confide in your partner about almost anything and everything?
These are the questions that will determine how your relationship is going!
One of the things that can benefit a relationship most is awareness. Awareness of how you come across, of how your partner is feeling, and ways to better tune in to that process. That is just one of the reasons I have started teaching Hold Me Tight Workshops. I have seen it benefit so many couples, just by setting aside intentional space to value each other and work towards an end goal of learning more about yourself and ways to be better attuned to your partner.
>Check out my other blog for more information about EFT & Hold Me Tight Workshops
by Kathryn de Bruin | Aug 14, 2017 | Couples in Therapy, Family Therapy
The Hold Me Tight Program: Conversations for Connection.
This ARE Couples Therapy Questionnaire allows you to reflect on where you are in your relationship right now. What are your areas of strength as well as any areas for potential growth.
The biggest question you want to consider as you look at these results is:
Can I share this with my partner?
Would this be difficult to talk about?
People connect with each other in different ways, but it’s universally agreed, that we
all need emotional connection. Couples also need a bond of trust with each other,that sense that they can give one another the benefit of the doubt. It means that you
know that your partner will be there for you if you need them. It’s knowing that your person will give you support, and that you will feel comforted by them. The
security that you get from knowing that you have someone in your corner impacts
your physical health, and your mental health.
When you want this connection with your loved one, but you can’t get it, it affects
you deeply. Some people panic, some people feel isolated and others get upset. It’s
this threat, this emotional disconnection that underlies the fights we have and
the distance we feel.
As you consider this connection and disconnection, please complete these exercises:
* Consider what attracted you to your partner.
* List five strengths in your relationship
* Complete the A.R.E Questionnaire below, and go over it with your partner
If you want to improve your relationship, and if it’s at all tricky to have these types of conversations, then this retreat is the right step for you. All you need to do is to sign you and your partner up, and we will take care of the rest. We will help you to feel at home, and will lead you step for step through all the conversations that couples need to be having.
Click on this link to sign up now
From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you? Answer the questions below using a scale 0-10, where 0 = not at all true, and 10 = completely true. Write number in the right column – add up total for each section.
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ACCESSIBILITY – from your viewpoint, how accessible is your partner to you?
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1. I can get my partner’s attention easily
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2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally
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3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her
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4. I don’t feel shut out in this relationship (the less shut out you feel – the higher your score)
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5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen
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Total for accessibility
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RESPONSIVENESS – from your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
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1. If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me
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2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close
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3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure
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4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together
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5. If I need assurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it
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Total for responsiveness
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ENGAGEMENT – are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
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1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner
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2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything
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3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other
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4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears
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5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner
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Total for engagement
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Adapted from Hold Me Tight, by Susan Johnson
