by Kathryn de Bruin | Oct 28, 2019 | Anxiety, Emotions, Family Therapy
As you parent, you come to notice a pattern in your child’s anxious stages (it may even present as clinginess) through their development. It’s helpful to understand why they are going through this. As a resource, I’ve created this guide of natural behaviors to provide a sense of comfort and what to expect through these various phases.
9 months – 12 months
Your infant’s memory is developing and you might start to see your child have “stranger anxiety”. This happens in infants across all cultures. Infants are frightened, withdraw or show distress when they are with unfamiliar people. They now have the ability to compare the faces they see with familiar faces that are in memory, which means they know that they don’t know someone. This can lead to separation anxiety, as they can remember previous separations, and recognize signs of leaving. They also remember feelings of distress. And so they protest the separation, trying to get to parent to stay.
Infants will gradually learn to regulate this. They will also learn that their parent comes back too. As soon as object permanence develops, children can remember their parents internally and feel comfort when they miss them.
18 – 24 months
Separation and fear for the toddler, is necessary for survival, as they practice going off and coming back.
They learn that separations are survivable, reunions can be trusted, and this forms the foundation for confidence in the world.
Toddlers may be more anxious about mom’s attachment, and can be very reactive at this age, because they are developing and realizing that “My parent and I don’t think the same thoughts” and “I can’t control my parent, she has separate thoughts”. Separation and individuation is both exhilarating and frightening. The toddler experiences ambivalence, I want to push mom away, but also want to cling to her. I want to be autonomous and also maintain attachment.
Hopefully this tool helps you as you navigate those first few years and the anxiety including separation anxiety that often come with it. Knowing what your child is probably experiencing will help you know the best ways to address their concerns and needs for their age.
by Kathryn de Bruin | May 11, 2018 | Family Therapy, Sexuality
Masters and Johnson (from the book Sex and Human Loving) have a saying that I appreciate, that as parents we don’t really have a choice about whether our children get sex information, instead we can only choose whether or not to participate in the sex education and definition of sexuality that is already taking place.
So it is with this outlook, that sex education is going to happen whether we like it or not, and whether we are involved or not, that we suggest that sexuality is not a single act, but instead it is a journey and a lifestyle. As parents, we are often most focused on one single point on the map, explaining to our children what sex is, and what menstruation is. This single point is a ticking time bomb, and many of us feel ill prepared for this conversation and end up dreading it. But what if we took the pressure off this one point of time, and take a whole childhood to seed that conversation.
Being able to take this journey I believe consists of three parts:
Step 1 is our definition of healthy sexuality. With a broad definition, we will see the opportunities throughout the developmental stages, to discuss sexuality.
Step 2 is considering our own sexuality and understanding what we bring to this conversation. Whether that is our own anxiety or our comfort in approaching sexuality.
Step 3 is understanding who our child is, so that we can adequately meet them on this journey. Our knowledge and attunement to our child, will help us know when and how to address this topic.
During this blog series, we will discuss each of these three Steps to helping our children develop a healthy sexuality. We did an informal survey of parents, asking for questions about this topic, and so we will also be covering a number of these, including: sexual exploration versus molestation, discuss sexuality at the developmental stages, etc…
Mariah and I hope that with this blog series, we might be able to show you what this journey could entail, and perhaps steer you in the right direction or at least show you the next step.
We’re excited to walk alongside you in this series,
Kathryn and Mariah
ABOUT KATHRYN DE BRUIN
Kathryn de Bruin is a Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in San Diego. She teaches play therapy at the UCSD Play Therapy Extension program, and trains therapists around the world in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. With a specialty in working with families, Kathryn has spoken on this topic of Developing Healthy Sexuality in Children in a variety of settings.
ABOUT MARIAH MCQUEEN
Mariah McQueen is a Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and has been working with Kathryn for three years. She works with couples and families using Emotionally Focused Therapy. She became passionate about the topic of healthy sexuality after going through her own healing journey individually and in her marriage. She has spoken and facilitates groups on the topic.
