by Kathryn de Bruin | May 1, 2020 | Crisis
Will this COVOID-19 Crisis Bring Trauma?
Many of us are concerned about getting traumatized by this crisis. People who have already experienced PTSD in their lives are more susceptible to additional trauma, while many
of us have no prior experience with it and are wondering if something like this could cause long term effects. These are important questions!
So, let’s learn about what trauma is and more importantly, how we can prevent it.
In the simplest of explanations, trauma occurs when our resources are completely overwhelmed by our stressors, and we are powerless to do anything about it. This leaves us without control, and we are hurt as a consequence. Think of it as a continuum between calm on one side, stress in the middle, and then trauma on the far end. Stress can be good and bad for us. Eu-stress activates us, it gets us going, it motivates us. But too much stress starts to overwhelm us. If the stress continues, we can feel traumatized. Some people experience this and develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, while others are able to bounce back.
An environmental stressor like COVOID-19 need not traumatize us, as long as we keep up our resources and don’t get into a situation where we feel completely powerless. An antidote to trauma and stress is finding ways to stay in control, and to find meaning in what we are facing.
If you are religious, you might find yourself asking, “God, what would you have me learn during this trial?”. Others challenge themselves to focus on what they can walk away with as a result of the trial, “There is much that I can’t control, but I can control what I eat, how I exercise, my immune system, whether or not I leave my property.” Generally speaking we have control over ourselves, our outlook, our behaviors, our bodies. Focus on these things.
The other determinant in what becomes traumatic, is the kind of support you have. So that if you have felt completely overtaken by the trial or stressor, you are able to find someone to talk to about what you have been through. Or if you do get very ill, and are overcome by feeling weak and powerless, you are able to find emotional and social support after the fact.
Think of trauma like being forced to eat a heavy meal of rice and beans and meat. These are foods that generally don’t digest well together. They sit in your stomach and feel heavy, and they cause a bad case of indigestion. You have to adjust yourself, you lie down on the couch for hours, you eat Tums, and you moan and groan during your belly aches. The question is whether or not your stomach acids will be able to break down this very heavy meal or not. So you give yourself space and time, and give your body every resource to aid in the digesting of this meal. If something has overwhelmed your resources, do everything you can to digest it emotionally: Talk about it, write about it, process it slowly until you can look back at it and learn some lessons from having gone through it.
Finding meaning in spite of what has happened is the key to bypassing trauma. This is when the experience no longer owns you, but you own it because you have learned and grown because of it!
by Kathryn de Bruin | Apr 23, 2020 | Crisis
Is fear normal right now? What hard conversations should we be having with our families?
To answer those questions – Yes, I’d be surprised if you weren’t at least a little fearful with all that’s been going on. We should all be concerned about COVID-19, not only for our own lives but also for keeping those around us safe.
Fear motivates us to action. It gets our blood pumping so that we can move if we need to, it causes us to focus our thinking about the threat at hand. And essentially fear is rational when there is a real threat that we are facing. Fear only becomes Anxiety when it shows up at the wrong time, for the wrong reason, and for the wrong duration.
So what is the difference between Anxiety and Fear? Fear is rational and necessary, Anxiety is not. Fear activates us in a necessary way, whilst anxiety drains our resources. They both put you into a state of fight, flight and freeze, only this isn’t needed when you’re only facing a perceived fear.
Now, you might be both worried and anxious about this virus. Worried for a good reason – but probably thinking about it too much. This virus is real, and it requires attention to how we manage our lives as a result.
In fact, there are very important conversations to be had in our families at a time like this. If you are living in a larger family system, conversations might center around the kinds of boundaries and rules you are all going to engage in. Is everyone comfortable with the social distancing that the others are doing? If your loved ones continue to expose themselves, have you let them know how their decisions affect you? Have you talked with them in an honest and vulnerable way about your fear of losing them? Sometimes thinking about your worst fear, enables you to know what needs to be said now. If your worst fear was to happen and you lost them, what do you wish you had said to them?
If you have people who are high-risk in your family, have you talked with them about safety planning? Do you have medicine on hand for them? Do you have an area in your living quarters that you will use as a sick-bay? Do you know where to find their passwords or other information in case they are unresponsive? Do you know that you might not be able to accompany them into the hospital should they have to go? These are the realities that we are facing, they are problems that have to be solved. And fear helps you to think these through and to come up an action plan. It helps you to be as ready as you can be.
Tell the anxiety that comes up that you are in control. You have taken the threat seriously, you have an action plan, and now it’s time to rest and relax so that you’re ready when you need to be.
Once you have this plan in place, then it’s time to make sure you don’t get anxious. No need to cause yourself unnecessary worry and drain your resources. If you do find yourself start to meander into anxious territory, I have a blog with an Anxiety Journal Template as well as Breathing Exercises to Help with Anxiety should you need those resources. Myself and many therapists are offering Telehealth services right now during this pandemic. I invite you to set up an appointment. Thinking of you all during this especially fearful time, please take advantage of available resources – you are not alone.
by Kathryn de Bruin | Apr 2, 2020 | Play Therapy
Some of us are really struggling at home. Others are having a wonderful time. In fact, there are a group of anxious children who are not even symptomizing right now because they are so happy to just be home with their loved ones. They feel safe and cared for, and they are relieved from the pressures of their busy and possibly over-scheduled everyday lives. This can be the perfect time to introduce therapeutic play to your children, regardless of which category they fit in.
Fact is, we have time at home, and we have time to play. So how do we get ourselves to play, and how do we play in a way that is therapeutic to everyone involved?
If you don’t enjoy playing with your children, don’t despair! You are not alone. Playing with children is very important, but it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Don’t get stuck on overthinking this. Rather, think about something that you do enjoy doing. If you had to play something, what would it be? Your child will enjoy it because you enjoy it. So, do this thing, albeit kicking a ball, playing marbles, a board game you like. Be true to yourself, and soon your child will all about it too. Because honestly, they mostly just want to be with you!
If you’re still out of ideas, there are a number of things that you can do with your child, such as the activities listed below. These are Theraplay-based activities.
To learn more, here is a link to The Theraplay Institute’s website: https://theraplay.org/
Here is a link to their Activities book: https://theraplay.org/product/theraplay-activities-flip-book/
I wanted to demonstrate some of these Theraplay-based activities with my 6-year-old daughter. It feels really good as a parent to be spending this kind of quality time with her, and I can feel the connection between us as we laugh together, and share these special moments! I also notice how her behavior changes because her love tank is filled up with this one-on-one play time.
Click on each game below to see the demonstration video:
These games can be played with children of different ages. Try them and see which ones you enjoy!
I also asked my 11-year-old son to make a scene in the sand about Coronavirus. He created a double-sided scene and asked me to guess which side I thought was the virus. Reluctantly I said the bigger, scarier side and he replied “Yes!” Towards the end of our time I asked him what he would do if he could change one thing. He proceeded to punch the virus and destroy that part of the scene. He looked so powerful as he did this.
Letting him create this scene helped me to know how he was viewing the virus. From there it led to a longer conversation between us, but it all started with simply observing his artwork and commenting on what I saw.
Play doesn’t need to be long and complicated, it can simply be bringing your child to do something you love together, giggling over some games, or creating a scene to see how they view the world. Hopefully this helps give you some ideas to do together when the days seem extra long, and create some positive bonding memories in the process!
by Kathryn de Bruin | Mar 31, 2020 | Anxiety, Family Therapy, Therapy
I’m thinking about you all as we are going through this environmental crisis that is hitting close to home for all of us.
Some families and couples that I’ve checked in on are rallying together against this common enemy and are feeling stronger in their relational dynamics than usual. This is wonderful news! Other families/couples are struggling more than usual because this crisis is surfacing any crack in their relational foundation and it’s hard for them to get through the day without their negative cycle getting triggered. My heart especially goes out to these families who are feeling that heaviness, and I’ve wanted to put together a series of blogs that gives some coping tools to get through this crisis together as a family.
Blogs 1-3 start with three very different but common strategies many of us utilize for coping: Secure, Anxious and Withdrawn. Obviously we can fluctuate between them at different points, but we often land on one or two that are most comfortable for us in times of uncertainty.
In blog 4 we dive into recognizing our own personal and unique family strategies – this will help give an idea of how your family would like to receive love based on their coping strategy, and what comforts them best during this time of stress (and how you best receive it!)
For our final blogs we get to talking about the virus specifically. I’ll go through questions we should be asking as a family and ways to prepare, ways to utilize play therapy techniques with your child to check in on how they are doing, and finally talking about how the elements of “challenge” and “trauma” play into this difficult time.
My hope in this blog series is yes, to help everyone learn coping techniques, but to also bring light and recognition, perhaps a few “aha!” moments, and awareness of how to better get through this individually and together!
by Kathryn de Bruin | Feb 24, 2019 | Anxiety, Family Therapy
Struggles with Child Anxiety: Is there really a way through this?
After our first blog entry of the series, I wanted to dive deeper into our family’s journey with anxiety and how we best combat it together. I have a sweet, soft hearted daughter, who can take life too seriously at times. She can err on the side of making others happy at her own expense and gets anxious about things that face her. This child anxiety has shown up at different parts of her development, be it separation anxiety in going to school, fear about monsters at nighttime in her bedroom, or fear about nightmares disrupting her sleep.
1. I Soothed Myself as a Parent
Seeing her develop these fears was so scary for me, because I’ve struggled with anxiety during my life. The last thing that I’ve ever want is for her to struggle the way that I have. And so I teetered on panicking when she started symptomizing and going to the worst case scenario – my daughter has an anxiety disorder and will struggle throughout her lifetime with this. After getting support for myself, I was able to make the switch to believe that I would be able to soothe her and could say to myself, my daughter is anxious at the moment (which is developmentally on par), but I can parent her through this and teach her how to manage these symptoms from early on, and she will be stronger and wiser growing up with learning how to
manage these challenges.
2. I Let Her Emote
She’s such an emotional little girl, and when she would emote and seem so sensitive I would start to worry, going into futuristic thinking. Anxiety always takes us into the past or the future, where we can’t fix anything. It’s important to recognize this and to stay in the present. I took a deep breath and picked her up in these moments. I let her sit on my lap and just held her tight. I’d say something my mom would say to me, “hold me tight and squeeze all the sadness into me”. Eventually her breathing would calm, and I could wipe her eyes. After leaning in, in this way time and time again, I can confidently say that it’s rare that she emotes in this seemingly intense way anymore. She’s learned to regulate herself a lot better. That’s a skill that children learn through experience, through being soothed regularly.
3. We Developed Rituals
We are a Christian family, and so we started making her bedtime predictable, and we set some rituals in place that she could count on. We pray together each evening, I’d make sure that her closet door is closed, and I tickle her back while we sing a song together. Our song is based on Psalm 4:8 and focuses on a God who is soothing and protective. She’s come to rely on doing this every night and I believe that the structure gives her peace and that the touch soothes her nervous system. The skin is the largest organ we have, and skin to skin contact can be an effective way of soothing.
4. We Built Her Confidence
Helping children to be assertive, and especially to have a ‘come back’, is very important in American culture. When her brother teases her, and always had the upper hand because he’s older and therefor more resourceful with his cognitive brain, I have taught her to stand up for herself. For a long time, after a smart comment from him, she’d run to me crying, looking for me to step in and take care of the situation. Instead of always stepping in, I started walking her through ways to deal with him. I’d ask her, “well do you believe what he said? Is it true? If it isn’t, what is true? What should we say back to him”, and we’d brainstorm a number of comebacks. Things like, “Why are you making a big deal about this? You can’t seem to leave me alone? You’re the one who’s being silly”….and so on and so on. Two years later, these come naturally for her and she can hold her own in social situations. She’s still a sensitive, sweet child, but she’s confident and can assert herself when others are giving her a hard time.
5. Finding Her Intuition
We take time for meditation, to slow down and to listen to the spirit/soul/body. When she’s uncertain about what to do, before giving her answers, I’ll ask her what her gut says, and get her to slow down to listen inside. I believe that this vital for a child to learn, that they have an intuition and that it can guide them in life. This is still rather abstract a concept for her, but we keep practicing this.
