by Kathryn de Bruin | Apr 17, 2020 | Crisis
In our last post, we identified Secure Coping Characteristics. While some may fall under that category, chances are yourself or someone else in your family naturally utilizes anxious coping strategies during stressful and scary situations.
Those who use anxious strategies to cope in crisis are likely to feel extreme amounts of pain and fear, and are likely to demonstrate this visibly through feeling anxious, getting loud and possibly angry, gesticulating.
Basically, they wear their heart on their sleeve. And yes, they experience feelings more intensely than others do. They are easily overwhelmed with their emotions and need help soothing themselves. They look to others to help them to do so.
Anxious children may get overstimulated, overexcited, be more boisterous or active than usual. I think about a family member who could easily give me a long list of grievances if I asked her how she was doing right now. If you are parenting a child with an anxious strategy, you probably feel like they need a great deal from you, and you might be exhausted in your attempts to comfort them. If there is something to be fearful of, this person will be the one to pick it up. Often times, we associate terms like “Worry Magnet”, even possibly “Drama Queen” with this anxious coping strategy.
So how do you support someone who has Anxious Coping Skills?
- Physical Contact – Give hugs, massages, or encouragements to run off the energy. A couple good exercises for this are: “I’m so upset with you, let’s stomp the ground as hard as we can”, “Give me all your worry and pain right now by hugging me as hard as you can”.
- Opportunities to vent – Give them a grumble session. Some good exercises for this may be: “If you could grumble for a minute as much as you could, what would you say?” “If you could change 1 thing right now, what would it be?” journaling is helpful (how I feel; 0 – 10 how intense is the feeling; what am I thinking; what am I doing; something I would change; who am I telling about it).
After you’ve had a good talk, it may be helpful to refocus them onto something else, using phrases like “Wash your face with cold water and then let’s find something else to do”. Encourage them to focus on something that they can control: “You have control over your mind, your thoughts, your behaviors, your immune system, and certain parts of your environment.”
Sometimes it just takes someone to come alongside them in their struggles of anxiety, to show them some ways to deal with it in a healthy way, and give them tools to move forward. This can be incredibly helpful training for identifying emotions and redirecting to healthy secure strategies later on in life!
by Kathryn de Bruin | Oct 31, 2019 | Anxiety
I hate to say it, but we live in a culture of bullying and teasing…
I remember when I first arrived in the States twenty years ago and watched shows like Saturday Night Live, and really struggling with the satire. I just couldn’t understand how a group could make fun of others. Having lived in two other countries and traveled to countless places, I can’t say that I’ve experienced this the way that I have here. In America, we seem to take things to an extreme and we seem to make fun of everything. I wonder to myself when all of this came about, when did it become ok to be mean and to rip people off. When did this become the definition of closeness and of friendship. Is this a result of playfulness due to closeness? Or is this an avoidance of intimacy? I suppose it could be both or either, but deciphering that as a child, must be challenging. Teasing and endearment have become entangled and have added to anxiety in school. Isn’t that what we often tell our children, he wouldn’t tease you if he didn’t like you?
When you’ve been raised in a culture that is very different, with messages like “If you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all”, and “Be ladylike” and “Sarcasm doesn’t become you”, then you inevitably face a clash when entering this culture. It’s made for an interesting adjustment for me. Now that I’ve adjusted and can enjoy and take part in the teasing, I don’t fit in quite as well when I do travel back to South Africa. There I get flack for being so sarcastic.
We’ve faced so many school shootings, and I work with so many young children who are being bullied in elementary and middle school and who come to my office depressed and often suicidal. This means I’ve given a lot of thought to these problems, and they stand out to me as seemingly particular to this country, even more so than to others I’ve spent time in. And I wonder if these issues are related to the larger culture, and not just to a particular school and problem with bullying alone. Are we contributing to this problem as a larger culture? It’s a hard question to ask, because of course the “buck stops” with the person who actually took the action of committing a crime. But, it’s also important to look at the larger context, and ask what context this child was raised in, including the school climate, their family climate and their larger community and country. School bullying and middle-school nastiness has become a trend, a norm. And for that reason, it’s something that we need to educate our children about, and prepare our children to deal with. It’s certainly on my mind, and my children haven’t even entered middle-school yet. It’s certainly not something that I grew up with, and so knowing how to navigate these challenges, from personal experience, doesn’t come naturally for me.
So what are the ways we can better combat this for ourselves and our families?
Educate Yourself
I recently watched 13 Reasons Why and as horrifying as the series is, I would recommend this show to any parent. My experience growing up and in school was very different to what my children are experiencing today, and I need to know they are facing so that I can be ready to help equip them for the possible challenges in their social environment. Getting a feel for the pressure children feel and a sense of how the peer system is set up has been helpful to me.
Role Play
One of my favorite ways to engage children in learning emotional and social skills within the family context, is using role play. Ask your children what the meanest thing is that they have seen or heard at school, and then act it out. They love it when you switch up roles, and you’re the mean kid first, or the one being picked on. So switch it up and get them engaged. Teach them the difference between a passive response (being the doormat), the aggressive response (punching the other kid) and the assertive response (standing up for yourself, in a firm and clear way). Try each of the responses and ask them to reflect on what it’s like on the other side of these. Have them try the assertive response until it’s believable. Does their voice line up with their eye contact, facial expression and vocal tone. Would you take them seriously?
Utilize Sibling Rivalry
Luckily when you have multiple kids and they are close to each other in age, sibling rivalry is par for the course. And so there is ample opportunity to watch how your children handle their siblings meanness. I love thinking about the primary family as a microcosm of the rest of their lives.
How they learn to handle these relationships at home, will mirror how they handle their friendships, and then their colleagues at work, and ultimately their romantic partners in life.
The opportunity lies in these sibling relationships to teach respect, assertiveness and compromise. I think one of the most used phrases in our household is – ‘Find Agreement’. The three kids are sitting own to watch a show, and if they can’t ‘find agreement’, well
then there’s no show to be watched at all.
The social context our children are growing up in is entirely different, and it can be tough to relate and help. Understanding it ourselves is the first step in helping our children cope with it. Helping them to be resilient, and to be assertive are the most important tools as they face any teasing that they are bound to experience growing up.
by Kathryn de Bruin | Oct 28, 2019 | Anxiety, Emotions, Family Therapy
As you parent, you come to notice a pattern in your child’s anxious stages (it may even present as clinginess) through their development. It’s helpful to understand why they are going through this. As a resource, I’ve created this guide of natural behaviors to provide a sense of comfort and what to expect through these various phases.
9 months – 12 months
Your infant’s memory is developing and you might start to see your child have “stranger anxiety”. This happens in infants across all cultures. Infants are frightened, withdraw or show distress when they are with unfamiliar people. They now have the ability to compare the faces they see with familiar faces that are in memory, which means they know that they don’t know someone. This can lead to separation anxiety, as they can remember previous separations, and recognize signs of leaving. They also remember feelings of distress. And so they protest the separation, trying to get to parent to stay.
Infants will gradually learn to regulate this. They will also learn that their parent comes back too. As soon as object permanence develops, children can remember their parents internally and feel comfort when they miss them.
18 – 24 months
Separation and fear for the toddler, is necessary for survival, as they practice going off and coming back.
They learn that separations are survivable, reunions can be trusted, and this forms the foundation for confidence in the world.
Toddlers may be more anxious about mom’s attachment, and can be very reactive at this age, because they are developing and realizing that “My parent and I don’t think the same thoughts” and “I can’t control my parent, she has separate thoughts”. Separation and individuation is both exhilarating and frightening. The toddler experiences ambivalence, I want to push mom away, but also want to cling to her. I want to be autonomous and also maintain attachment.
Hopefully this tool helps you as you navigate those first few years and the anxiety including separation anxiety that often come with it. Knowing what your child is probably experiencing will help you know the best ways to address their concerns and needs for their age.
by Kathryn de Bruin | Jul 2, 2019 | Anxiety, Family Therapy
As parents, we have a big responsibility to help our children when they’re struggling with child anxiety.
So how do you then as a parent know what you should be doing versus what is hindering your children? Maybe it will help to first take a look at some statistics showing the prevalence of child anxiety.
DID YOU KNOW?
*16 million Americans suffer from Anxiety
*Children with anxiety who attend family therapy have an 80% success rate, as opposed to
children who do individual therapy without the family involvement – only 60%
*1 in 5 children have clinical levels of anxiety
*1/3 of children with ADHD have an anxiety disorder
*Anxiety is the leading mental disorder found in children
*Anxiety tends to run in families. Families interactions increase anxiety
Those are some DIFFICULT statistics to stomach. So what can we takeaway from all these?
Anxiety is a common childhood disorder and it can be managed
This is actually good news, because it lets you know just how common anxiety is, and also how researched it is. There is so much that can be done to manage anxiety. There are LOTS of tools and techniques available to us and especially for children, and ways we can be proactive parents in helping our children combat anxiety.
What kind of parenting PERPETUATES anxiety:
1. Parenting that offers less space and freedom to children
2. Parenting that gives children a lack of autonomy
3. Intrusive parenting where parents do for children what they could do for themselves
4. Parents who anxiously appraise situations and often find themselves saying: “No, don’t
do that, Don’t do that”. Children often adopt the way that parents see the world
5. Parents who often question children’s choices
vs
Parenting that creates RESILIENCY in children:
1. Rewarding your children for being proactive rather than reactive
2. Praising children for independent behavior
3. Allowing children to struggle rather than jumping in to help or doing things for them
Sometimes it’s hard to naturally do these things as parents. It’s hard to watch your children struggle, and obviously there is a line where you need to step in. But see if you can notice ways in your language and behavior where you can help your children have space. Space to learn and grow confident in their decisions, knowing they’ll always have your support.
by Kathryn de Bruin | Jun 17, 2018 | Family Therapy, Sexuality
By this time, your preteen and their peers are heading into the early stages of puberty (generally earlier for girls than boys).
This causes a huge increase in kids’ curiosity about sexuality and what that means for them socially, emotionally and relationally. Their changing bodies open up a sort of new frontier that they are eager to explore and understand. This can be very anxiety producing for us as parents, but being equipped with the right information about preteen sexuality, and helpful resources can do a lot to soothe those feelings.
What is happening?
Your child’s body is going through major changes in how it looks, feels, behaves and smells!! Some of these changes are going to be similar and some different than in other kids’ bodies. For some, puberty happens very quickly, for others it’s more drawn out and the extent of these changes varies between kids. Along with changes in their bodies comes social change as well. Kids at this age are eager to establish their identity, wanting to fit in and know that they belong. Boys and girls generally start socializing more and often have “crushes” on one another. They may feel the pressure to be more sexually active than they are ready for in order to try and fit in. By this time, information about sex is also being shared in their social groups and possibly at school (depending on your child’s setting).
What’s our job as the parent?
Be sure to normalize your child’s changing body as it’s easy for them to compare themselves to others and get discouraged. Help them to know that this variance in pace and extent their body develops is totally normal. Helping them maintain a sense of dignity throughout will benefit not just their sexual self image, but their self esteem as a whole. It is also our job as parents to be knowledgeable about these changes so that as they are gathering information from their different environments, we can help them make sense of what’s truth. As your child is wanting to expand into more co-ed activities, be sure to help them understand what appropriate boundaries are and they they shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything they’re not comfortable with. Having a sense of belonging and safety at home will give your child the confidence they need to resist peer pressure.
The “talk”
If you haven’t already, it is important around this age to have a conversation with your child about sex. As Kathryn mentioned previously, be sure to do so discerningly depending on your community. It is important when having a conversation with preteens about sex that you are honest, clear, simple and direct. The goal is to be the person your child comes to with questions. You want to give them a simple understanding of what happens, without using innuendo or leaving too much to their imagination. Being too indirect may leave them with more questions than answers and they may try and fill in the gaps elsewhere. This is why it is important for us as parents to come prepared with information (practicing the conversation with a partner or spouse can be a helpful exercise!). Also, remove the pressure from yourself to make this a one-time conversation. It should be something that you address with your growing child often enough to catch any questions or misunderstandings that may happen along the way. When questions come up out of the blue, first ask your child what they know about it before giving your answer. This way you won’t be giving too much information they may not be asking for and you can help correct any misinformation they may have heard.
Questions you may be asked:
What is normal/common for this age range:
-
Puberty will likely begin
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Drive to find their identity
-
Develop first real “crush” or love interest
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Understand that sex is not just about making babies
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Comparing their body parts to others’ (e.g. breast or penis size, etc.)
-
Drawing pictures of genitals
-
Sexual jokes
Hopefully this helps guide you as you walk with your preteen through this often curious and confusing time – for you both! Remember, myself and Kathryn are available to chat about these topics with you, and give you more tips and resources that work for you and your family moving forward!
Best,
Mariah McQueen
Resources:
List of Changes for Girls and Boys During Puberty: http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/physical_changes_teenagers.html
How to Talk with your Kids about Sex
A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey with your Kids about Sex
