We all get into these patterns of disconnection. Underneath our defensive strategies, we are just feeling hurt and afraid as humans. This is universal in all human nature. These softer and deeper feelings can take two forms, either fearing abandonment, or fearing rejection.
Abandonment might sound like: I’m alone, uncared for, unseen, I don’t get responded to. Rejection might sound like: I’m criticized, I’m inadequate, I’m failing, I’m unwanted.
When we are hurt and fearful at such a deep level, it’s very difficult to reach out and admit this. To actually share this with one another, takes tremendous courage. Of course, when we are feeling abandoned or rejected, we don’t want to take a risk and then be dropped even more.
It feels counterintuitive to give this advice, but it’s one of those universal truths. If you take the risk and share these deeper, submerged feelings, most often, you will get a supportive response. The Latin word for vulnerability means to wound. So to open yourself up in this way, instead of putting on your armor, means you open yourself up to getting hurt. Your partner will see this, and will see the tremendous gift you are giving them in digging up these difficult-to-reveal feelings, and offering them open hands, open heart, white flag, to them in the process.
Take a chance this week, and when you feel yourself getting hurt or afraid, let your partner know that you are having a hard time. Tell your partner that you have got a deeper response going on inside of you, that might be hard to share, but that you are deeply impacted by what is happening between the two of you, when you feel so disconnected from each other.
Couples Image by The Kitcheners: http://thekitcheners.co.uk/2015/05/glencoe-wedding-photography.html
Facing Challenges Together: Marriage Counseling San Diego
I’ve done marriage counseling San Diego for twelve years, and married for twenty, and I still get really upset in my marriage. And would you believe I’m still learning things about Etienne.
I’m recently aware of how much of a perceptive and social person he is. He can tell instantly if I am accessible, or if I’m stressed and preoccupied in my head. I’ve lived a lot of life in my head, on my own, and so I’m used to going to this place of internal focus. So when I focus in this way, he feels like he has no connection with me. We are finding a way to communicate around this spot. For him to say that he’s lost me, and for me to notice when I turn inward and away. To know how my internal focus affects people around me.
Our biggest challenge is the lack of time we have together. We are both building our businesses and are very involved with family life. We try to give our children quality time, and we are also looking after our parents. And so this means that the time we have alone together is very limited. When we do the ARE – Are you Accessible, Emotionally Engaged and Responsive Questionnaire, we both rate the other as hardly accessible. We love to be there for each other, and can connect on a deep and meaningful level quickly, but we really have to reach out and let the other know that they are needed. So in our relationship, we need to speak up, and to reach out to one another intentionally, when it counts.
Can you confide in your partner about almost anything and everything?
These are the questions that will determine how your relationship is going!
One of the things that can benefit a relationship most is awareness. Awareness of how you come across, of how your partner is feeling, and ways to better tune in to that process. That is just one of the reasons I have started teaching Hold Me Tight Workshops. I have seen it benefit so many couples, just by setting aside intentional space to value each other and work towards an end goal of learning more about yourself and ways to be better attuned to your partner.
Choosing War or Peace: How Your Relationship May Benefit From Couples Counseling
We all get stuck in negative communication patterns. If we perceive someone as attacking us, being negative or not being there for us, we get hurt and afraid.
In this moment of vulnerability, we have two choices:
We can reach out and check in, “Hey did you mean to hurt me, or did I just hear that wrong?”
OR we can assume the worst.
If we assume the worst, that our partner did just attack, see us poorly or ignore us,
then we will lift up our shields and put our defensive armor on. These are defensive
strategies and the moment we choose to engage these strategies instead of risking
and reaching, we choose war over peace.
If naturally assuming the worst or putting up those walls is a habit for you (as it is for most of us!) here are a few game changing ideas to help change the situations: 1. Catch your negative cycle and label it as it occurs
As you notice yourself putting up your armor, defending yourself, notice that
your partner is probably doing the same thing. See who can call it out first:
“Oh boy, here we go again” or “Uh-Oh, we’re in the war zone”.
2. Try to check in one time this week
Ask your partner – I saw you roll your eyes, was that meant for me? I heard anger in your voice, are you upset with me? I see you walking away, are you trying to get away from me? Usually the case is that your partner has no idea what cues they are giving off. This gets the conversation going in a way that will directly address any issues you two may be having, and will better aid in a solution and easier communication in the future.
3. Need more help? Sign up for Couples Counseling at a Hold Me Tight Workshop
EFT Workshops are two-day events that give you and your partner more amazing tools to stop negative relational patterns and instead move forward to where you both want to be. Join other couples in the journey to a firm foundation and reconciliation. Not sure what Emotionally Focused Therapy is or want to know more about Hold Me Tight workshops? Check out our other article about the foundations of EFT and HMT
What’s the deal about EFT and what are Hold Me Tight Workshops, and what can they do for my relationship with my partner?
So you’ve been hearing more and more about EFT and want to know more about it?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapy model developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, who has spent years observing couples and diving into the understanding of what keeps couples in love, and on the other side what goes into a couple’s negative “dance” that keeps them stuck in the same circle pattern over and over.
After these observations, she come to the conclusions that while often those around us complain of love being “mysterious”– that it all seems to come down to the same root issue. Of our innate want to feel protected and comforted in our relationships. Knowing our partner will be there when we most need them. Sound familiar? It’s tied with the same needs we have as infants and children needing “nurturing and soothing” from our parents. This gives us the freedom we need and the ability to navigate through the difficulties of life together and not get tangled up in the daily difficulties with our partner.
In fact, “Empirical research has supported the effectiveness of EFT, showing that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and about 90% show significant improvements (the best results of any couple therapy) and evidence shows that these positive effects last over time.”
Curious about the workshops and what’s involved?
“The Hold Me Tight® Workshop was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and is designed around seven conversations based on the Hold Me Tight book, all of which have been shown to be essential to successful relations. You will learn how to understand and improve your relationship through presentations by the workshop leaders, private exercises and conversations with your partner and by watching video demonstrations of other couples.”
We consistently provide and love putting on Hold Me Tight Workshops locally in San Diego, and around the globe. We invite you to contact us with any other questions about the process- as we have seen this workshop provide visible and withstanding results for couples each one we hold. Maybe you’re already in a relationship that feels healthy and you just want more tools for when life hits hidden turns. Or maybe your relationship is already feeling rocky and you need some help regaining footing moving forward. Hold Me Tight Workshops can help establish a solid foundation no matter what season of life you and your partner are in!
Information adapted from: http://www.drsuejohnson.com/books/hold-me-tight/
Want to dive deeper into EFT? It’s been mentioned in the following articles:
The Hold Me Tight Program: Conversations for Connection.
This ARE Couples Therapy Questionnaire allows you to reflect on where you are in your relationship right now. What are your areas of strength as well as any areas for potential growth.
The biggest question you want to consider as you look at these results is:
Can I share this with my partner?
Would this be difficult to talk about?
People connect with each other in different ways, but it’s universally agreed, that we all need emotional connection. Couples also need a bond of trust with each other,that sense that they can give one another the benefit of the doubt. It means that you
know that your partner will be there for you if you need them. It’s knowing that your person will give you support, and that you will feel comforted by them. The
security that you get from knowing that you have someone in your corner impacts
your physical health, and your mental health.
When you want this connection with your loved one, but you can’t get it, it affects
you deeply. Some people panic, some people feel isolated and others get upset. It’s
this threat, this emotional disconnection that underlies the fights we have and
the distance we feel.
As you consider this connection and disconnection, please complete these exercises: * Consider what attracted you to your partner.
* List five strengths in your relationship
* Complete the A.R.E Questionnaire below, and go over it with your partner
If you want to improve your relationship, and if it’s at all tricky to have these types of conversations, then this retreat is the right step for you. All you need to do is to sign you and your partner up, and we will take care of the rest. We will help you to feel at home, and will lead you step for step through all the conversations that couples need to be having.
From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you? Answer the questions below using a scale 0-10, where 0 = not at all true, and 10 = completely true. Write number in the right column – add up total for each section.
ACCESSIBILITY – from your viewpoint, how accessible is your partner to you?
1. I can get my partner’s attention easily
2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally
3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her
4. I don’t feel shut out in this relationship (the less shut out you feel – the higher your score)
5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen
Total for accessibility
RESPONSIVENESS – from your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
1. If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me
2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close
3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure
4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together
5. If I need assurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it
Total for responsiveness
ENGAGEMENT – are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner
2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything
3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other
4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears
5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner
I’m so excited about this month of social media. I’ve decided that for me, it’s going to be a month of play. It’s November, Halloween just got us in the mood and there are more holidays lined up for the next 2 months that at any other time of year. Let’s get in the mood for play, and not feel bad about it. Because Play is good for you, your loved ones will love it, and it will be therapeutic for you.
You need Play
Do you play? If you were given a couple hours to have fun, what is it you would do? Imagine yourself doing that now. Really put yourself there. How does it feel? What do you notice about your body? We need rest, we need to smile, we need to stop worrying, and play does all of this for us. Getting us into that place of relaxation allows us to work more productively, think more clearly and be more intentional about our relationships.
Play with your kids
Some people find it easy to play with their kids, others really want to but don’t know how to do this. I want to encourage you not to make it harder than it needs to be. You don’t need to play like other parents play. Figure out what you enjoy doing, and find a way to play at that with your child. If it’s sport, then play sport. If it’s baking, then let them put the sprinkles on the cupcakes or learn how to break eggs. If you can’t think of what to do, play hide and seek or rough and tumble on the ground. These two classic games are always favourites. Know that even when you put a couple minutes a day into some sort of playful time with your kids, you are building your relationship with them. There are 3 things that are most important to kids – fun, games and play. When you join them in this, you are speaking their language, their hearts will open and you will grow closer.
Play is therapeutic
Play is good for us on many different levels. Actually it’s essential for healthy development. Play benefits the brain. Frost first spoke about this in 1998, saying, “during the first years of life, it is playful activity, not direct instruction, seclusion, deprivation, or abuse that makes a positive difference in brain development and subsequent human functioning”. He goes on to quote Nash (1997) who reported from research at Baylor College of Medicine that “…children who don’t play much or are rarely touched develop brains 20% to 30% smaller than normal for their age”.
Play helps us to develop social skills. I smiled a couple days ago as I listened to my 5 yr old daughter play in her room with 2 neighbors. She was being her bossy self, and her friends called her out for being bossy. I considered going in to enforce the lesson, but after listening outside the door for awhile, I realized that they were doing a great job of working it out together as kids. It allowed her to see herself through the eyes of peers, and it gave them an opportunity to be assertive. In Japanese preschools, the custom is to allow children to work out their own difficulties and not to step in unless necessary. This gives children a change to engage in conflict, and also learn how to negotiate and learn cooperation.
Have fun today. Find something to laugh about, someone to smile with, and something to live for.
